April 1, 2009

By The Way... (part 1)

(On the phone)...

Nick: How's Jayme doing? Has she taken Noah to the specialist?
Mom: Yeah. Yep, Jayme went with Noah to the doctor on Saturday, and they told her that when he gets lethargic like that again to take him to the emergency and have some tests done to see what it is exactly that makes him so lethargic. But until then, they can't do anything about it.
Nick: Oh, so they have to re-enact the situation and can't do anything until he gets like that again?
Mom: Right, right. Well hun, I'm going to get going. I miss you. I'm glad you called me hunny!
Nick: Alright, well I'll call again soon when I'm on the internet sometime.
Mom: Okay. I love you hunny. Talk to you later.
Nick: I love you too, Mom. Oh! By the way...
Mom: Yes?
Nick: I need you... to... call Jayme, and discuss the fact that... I'm gay. *click*

Everyone does it a different way: in tears, hysterically, non-chalantly, gravely, on the phone, in person, on the toilet, over the toilet, in a fight, while you're shopping... I suppose, though, hanging up on your mother after you tell her and ignoring her phone calls for a week isn't the best way of doing it, but one could say I got my point across. But then again, how else was I going to do it? I did what I thought was least stressful for me. I think I should have considered how my mother would have felt a little more, but I can only do what I am capable of. The time to do it was then, and I didn't know how else to without fainting. I was alone in Japan. There was hardly anyone I could fully put all of my emotions into and really speak to on an intimate level.

I came out to my first friend when I was 16. I remember that night, because it was quite late (or very early). My mom was sleeping and I was in my room on my spiffy new computer. I was talking to my friend, Sally-- we'll call her-- and the conversation was probably baffling for her:

(Rough transcription)...

Nick: Sally, I have to tell you something.
Sally: Yes, Nick?
Nick: Well, I’m sure you know what I’m about to tell you… I mean, I think everyone knows.
Sally: Uhh, no? Not really…
Nick: Why don’t you try to guess.
Sally: Can you give me some clues?
Nick: It’s a big secret.
Sally: You’re a Martian?
Nick: DAMN! Is it that obvious? But seriously, it’s probably my biggest secret.
Sally: Hmm. Nick, I really have no idea.
Nick: Well, do you remember that time I told you I think I might have feelings for that one guy that are a little abnormal? Well, maybe they are just normal.
Sally: Okay…
Nick: I, uhh… think I’m bi.

"Bi?" Ha!-- I don't think she believed that there was any pussy coming my way for years to come, but the point is that I could trust her. I knew exactly how I felt about my sexuality at this point. I had known and accepted it since I was maybe 13 or 14 years old. I guess feigning the I-don't-know-these-strange-feelings-I'm-feeling-type innocent character, I justified my existence a little bit more: Homosexuality (or bisexuality) happened to me-- there isn't anything I can do-- I'm just a bystander in this vicious thing called life.

I felt guilty for playing such a close friend. Why couldn't I just tell her? Why did I have to make a stage of progression from abnormal to both ways to gayer than a three dollar bill? Looking back, I regret not making a journal, for I truly don't understand my feelings at the time. I would say now, "Just come out of the clost for Christ's sake!" but that was clearly not an option at the time. I sort of regret not doing it sooner. I could have paved the way for other homosexuals to come in the halls of my high school.

I decided to tell a couple other people during high school and by the time graduation came around, I had told 5 people-- one of them was my boyfriend (an intrinsic story). The summer after graduation, the population increased by two, and I had decided to be "out" at college when I started attending.

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